Crimestoppers and the Alexanders' Rag time Band

This is part of a 'Parliamentary Report' which is currently being pushed through letterboxes in Paisley by the supporters of the Alexanders' Rag Time Band, a local gang.

I believe I have identified the two ne'erdowells posing with jars of the finest Columbian as Shuggie and Duggie who have been pestering the people of Paisley as bogus callers pretending to be Socialists.

I called crimestoppers but they believe that one of them might be Hugh ' the Hammer' , the last person in Scotland to believe that you can solve the problem of drugs in a community by arresting addicts. The Hammer as we know, for it said so in his publicity, single-handedly ended the problem of drugs in Paisley before moving on to bigger challenges.

The other one always seems to show up at election times, talk a lot and then disappear. He is believed to fly south to team up with his spiritual father and gang leader the Bliar of Westminster.

These people are dangerous and must be stopped before they get even bigger weapons. Some have even suggested that they are trying to get new nuclear weapons and that would be a real distaster.